OfficersClub Blog

Image: uhuru1701 (via Flickr)

Welcome to the highlight of my week – I get to look at all of the real-life nutters of the past seven days and feel better about myself. Hooray! Let’s just hope some of their nuttiness doesn’t rub us on us. And I repeat - none of this is made up. Unfortunately.

How to Live Rent Free…

Dress as a bloody walrus. It sounds as if it was written by a drugged up Dr. Seuss, but it is totally true. One Gumtree user has offered one person the chance to live at her house rent free, as long as they dress up as a walrus for two hours a day. Ever thought that maybe some people just shouldn’t be allowed near the Internet? The (unsurprisingly) unnamed seller has asked for ‘people of average proportions’ to a walrus. Isn’t that a massive insult to fatties? As if they haven’t got enough on their plate. Another rule is that ‘any communication must entail making utterances in the voice of a walrus’. Long, powerful wails? Ridiculous tufts of hair? A large belly? I think I’ve just found the GoCompare man a new job!

Unpretty Woman

We’ve all seen it when Richard Gere falls for prostitute, Julia Roberts – and don’t you dare lie to me and say you haven’t – but this case couldn’t be more opposite. The sexually frustrated punter rang emergency services claiming that the prostitute he ordered was, well, fugly. Maybe beggars can be choosers. What really annoys me here is that this guy was stupid enough to call 999 when – guess what pal – soliciting for sex is illegal, buddy. Is there such thing as a Douche of the Year Award? Don’t believe me? You’re in for a treat… Just like this mystery man hoped he would be.

The Happiest Meal

I’ve seen some weird and wondrous proposals in my lifetime, but none are more romantic than this attempt. Who cares about whisking her to Paris? Who needs bottle after bottle of expensive champagne? Not Dennis, who forced the ring into a chicken burger. Why did he stop there? Why wasn’t the wedding ring an onion ring?! Imagine this “Dennis, do you take Ann to be your lawful wedded fries? I mean bride!” They clearly love food so much, I think they just got married because they heard the word honeymoon. I, however, wish the pair the world of luck, even if the proposal wasn’t – wait for it… To my taste!

Welcome back, people. This weekend, we have more sports than – umm… Sporty Spice. (Could that possibly be the campest reference ever? I’m going to say yes.) So let’s brace ourselves for some awesome athleticism – we actually have permission to play with our balls. Our footballs, obviously. Sheesh!

Rugby – England v The Exiles (Friday, Sky Sports 2, 8PM)

There are three things that are hugely important to England; our skydiving Queen, alcoholism and tonight’s match against the Exiles, as it will be England’s only serious game before they face Australia in October’s World Cup. Most of coach Steve McNamara’s England team have more scars and bruises than Mr Bump; with key players such as Gareth Ellis and James Roby having only just returned from lengthy layoffs. Nonetheless, the team are still confident that they will win. Their competition, the Exiles, won’t let England walk all over them, though; with the likes of men-Hulk, Sia Soliola, Pat Richards and Kylie Leuluai (what a macho name!) there will be a lot of fireworks.

UFC – Rashad Evans v Dan Henderson (Saturday, ESPN, 1AM)

Imagine that one geezer you wouldn’t want to bump into in a dark alley. Now times him by two and make them face each other in a mixed martial arts arena. You’ve got this weekend’s clash between Dan ‘Hendo’ Henderson, 42, and ‘Suga’ Rasha Evans, 33. That’s crazy – I know someone who’s 42 and the craziest thing he did this weekend was watch a whole series of Breaking Bad. Evans is a former holder of the belt, who has decent power behind him and slick style. Henderson, on the other hand, is a brilliant grappler, with a huge right hand that probably helped him out a lot in his lonely, teenage years. It’s likely that ‘Hendo’ will prevail, but it will be a bitter-sweet victory for ‘Suga’ if he should win.

Football – Confederations Cup: Brazil v Japan (Saturday, BBC Three, 8PM)

It’s been a whole week since the Champions League final, so what on earth have those boys been doing? (Apart from spending countless amounts of cash and sleeping with annoyingly beautiful women.) As per usual, held a year before the World Cup; this year, ensuring that Brazil’s roof isn’t falling in, we see the hosts of the tournament play the winners of each of the continental competitions. We are therefore treated to matches like Italy v Brazil (I genuinely don’t know who will win) and Spain v Tahiti (where I think even the dead know who’ll win). It might not make you as excited as the World Cup, but some footballs better than none, right?

Michael Cera has just been caught in a toilet cubicle with cocaine residue in his nostrils, and prostitutes by his sides. No, this is not the latest newspaper headline, but one of the greatest scenes from apocalyptic comedy, This is the End. In this day and age, comedies are spewed out more regularly than a Pitbull track, and more often than not, they’re awful. (Am I talking about comedies or Pitbull? Both.) Yet this is a welcome exception to the trend. Thank God. Thank Jesus. Thank Apatow. Brace yourself for potty-humour, celebrities on skewers and all round shocks.

After scripting Superbad and Pineapple Express, Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg welcome us to look at the Armageddon through their eyes. Their so very, very stoned eyes. The end of the world kicks off at James Franco’s house, and his guests are the elite of comedy Hollywood, including Jonah Hill, Jason Segel and Danny McBride. Here’s the catch, they’re all playing themselves. (Which isn’t probably that much of a feat for Seth Rogen, having done it for his entire career.)

This is the End is a tad like MTV Cribs meets Final Destination, with the likes of Rihanna and Emma Watson fighting, quite literally, for the lives, in some of the barmiest, most grisly deaths you could imagine. Seriously, give it a go – imagine the grimmest death you can think of. Now double. Them you have a fraction of This is the End. Only six are left alive, creating some of the finest comedic moments in recent history, including an unexpected conflict between Franco and McBride over a man’s man apocalyptic necessity. Water? No. Food? No. They battle over pornography. C’mon lads, who hasn’t done that before? Oh… Just me then, eh?

Even in the face of death, the group manage to produce some of the most hilarious moments in cinema history, in what can only be described as the love child of Tropic Thunder, Being John Malkovich and Shaun of the Dead. Yes, I did just do a little excitement wee.

They say laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diabetes, then insulin is probably better. But laughter comes a close second. Officers Club are the only store on the high street today that sells comedy t-shirts, so if you like fashion and humour, then we’re here for you. And if you don’t like fashion and humour, who are you? The Grinch?!

We are giving you the chance to win two of your favourite comedy shirts from our huge collection, including some of these below. Just have a look at our Facebook site and give the app a click. Be careful though; these shirts will have you in stitches. (See, it’s funny because they’re stitched together. And if you wear them, you’ll be in them. Okay, shutting up now.)

This tee is the ultimate man’s dream. Unfortunately, we don’t all live it. If it was based on me, it would say “Pot Noodles, Crying & Page 3”. Story of my life.

Just look around the office; I bet you can find at least seven people who talk utter rubbish. Heck, I’m looking at one right now. So why not wear this shirt and tell them exactly how you feel without moving your mouth. Simples.

What would Scooby Do? That’s a tricky question. He’ll either get carried away by a hairy man named Shaggy, screaming his head off. Or he’ll eat biscuits. I’d prefer the latter.

This obesity-based tee shirt is a brilliant play on words. And yes, it does come in XL.

I can only help but feel this picture represents my future – even from beyond the grave, we’re gagging for a pint. Does that make me a raging alcoholic? I’m not even ashamed.

Finally, what would a collection of tees be without Mr Tee? (Like what I did there? Because I’m not too keen myself.) In the words of that bling-ed up brute, I pity the fool who doesn’t enter this competition.

This competition is NOT open to staff at A Levy & Sons, their associated, affiliated or subsidiary companies, and their families, agents, or anyone connected with this competition, including the third-party promotional partners.

You MUST be a UK resident to enter.

BLUE INC reserves the rights to: 1. Cancel this Competition 2. Cancel or refuse any individuals entry 3. Amend these terms and conditions (and will use reasonable endeavors to notify changes to entrants and potential entrants). These terms and conditions shall be governed by English law and the English courts shall have exclusive jurisdiction in the case of a dispute.

The promotion/giveaway is in no way sponsored, endorsed or administered by, or associated with Facebook. You are providing your information to Blue Inc, not Facebook. The information you provide will only be used for the purpose of facilitating the promotion. By entering the promotion, all participants agree to give Facebook a complete release from any and all legal liability in connection with the promotion. For Blue Inc’s Privacy Policy, visit http://www.blueinc.co.uk/privacy-policy-cookie-restriction-mode/All entries will be subject to Facebook's terms of use which can be found at www.facebook.com

The dismissal of a partner is a minefield. (I wish I was speaking from experience – taking relationship advice from me is like hiring Stephen Hawking as your kickboxing coach.) There are many ways to do it properly; why not in a private, secluded affair? Or do a Taylor Swift and make millions off of your ex-partners suffering? Yet for every sublime method, there’s a million, trillion ways to dump someone and have them seeing red. Most of that red being your blood.

Under the Influence

Sure, one beer may make this a tad easier, but a few more drinks after that and you’re bound to sway from Dutch Courage to Netherlands Knob’ead. It’s highly unlikely that the break-up will go well if you’re giggling uncontrollably before accidentally chundering in her handbag. This rule, of course, applies for the both of you. She’s not going to be happy that you’re dumping her even if she was at Disneyland, so she’s sure as hell not going to be chipper when she’s downing the vodka. You will end up with a black eye. If you’re lucky.

Electronically

“Soz bbz. U r dumpd. L8r. xoxo” Unless you want an iPhone shaped hole in your head, I suggest this is a no-go. Girls want emotions, not emoticons. It is your diplomatic duty, as a man, to strap on a pair and do it face-to-face. A letter may seem endearing and personal, but it’s likely that your postman will steal and open it himself, and the only person you’ve dumped is Pat. And for the love of all that is holy, do not dump your missus via email. She will be fed up of all of the Viagra spam she receives (which we both know is your fault she’s receiving them. Tut tut!) so when she comes across your message, she’ll be like the Hulk with boobs.

Publicly

It may seem like a good idea to break the news in public, where there are plenty of eye witnesses, but if she breaks down, you’re the one responsible for making her cry – everyone will be pointing, gasping, and if you live in a Victorian fairytale, probably throwing fruit too. There are many places where a break-up could go tits-up; don’t break up in a restaurant. Remember, she has a knife at her ready. And avoid a classy Westend bar because it’s one thing to have a Lambrini thrown in your face, but it just adds insult to injury as she coats you in her £25 cocktail and you’re the pleb paying for it.

The term ‘bromance’ describes the complicated love and affection shared by two males, and was first coined by Aristotle around 300BCE… Who was presumably high off of his nut, as he said those who desire the good of their friends for the friends' sake that are most truly friends, because each loves the other for what he is, and not for any incidental quality. Oh my lord. I literally just fell asleep. Bromances are hell – does he like me? Am I coming on too strongly? Will he like this aftershave?! So that’s why you’re here. Prepare to be up to your nose in bros.

Unofficially develop into “bros”

You’ve had lunch together (and by lunch, I mean crisps and beer) and there wasn’t one awkward silence. You’ve both agreed that if you had the choice, you’d choose the face of Mila Kunis and the body of Natalie Portman. Heck, he’s even helped you home countless times, whilst you’ve been threatening a lamppost, with vomit in your hair, after a crazy night out. This is the perfect start to a bromance.

Hate everyone… But each other

This is a vital part of the bromance – to prove it will go on strong; you need to face you against the world. Why not crash a stranger’s party and make a number two in their garden? (I mean take a s***; don’t make numerical topiary.) After you’ve ran away giggling – if you’re lucky – you know he’s going to call you in the morning to invite you to shout at animals in the local petting zoo.

Compliment on physical appearance

It’s only normal that you find yourself saying “dude, when you were doing those sit-ups, I swear I saw a rainbow actually grow from your totally ripped chest. It was magical.” That’s fine. And he’ll love it. Heck, you can even see even see each other naked outside of the gym changing room – you can come waggling to him (all of you waggling) and demand a condom at three in the morning, and he’s cool with it… As long as you give her one from him.

Plans for the future are made

Together, you’re planning your man-marriage. You’ll go to Mexico, write a book and drink together, maybe even catch a shark with your bare hands. But you begin thinking about your own future… Alone. Here things get odd. You have second thoughts about your bro and you break into silent fights. Don’t worry; it gets better from here…

Divorce

I’m kidding. In no way, shape or form does it get better. These silent fights develop into lengthy periods of not-talking. You look back – you were a complete buggar to people you liked, who no longer want to know you, because of him and his goat-punching tendencies. You still care for him, and will one day write a distant letter, asking how things are going, but not now. Time to find a new brother and start this whole cycle again. The joys of being a geezer.

If I mentioned the name Kal-El, chances are you’d think of a Teletubbie, but that is the birth name of the strongest, most powerful man alive. No, not Ryan Gosling. I’m talking about Superman, played by a rather impressive Henry Cavill. But he’s thrown away his God-awful tight red panties and teamed up with Christopher Nolan. Mr Perfect’s films are about to get a lot like a young lad; moody and miserable. But it’s also about to get a lot like a young lady; so f***ing brilliant.

Man of Steel opens by capturing every awesome about Star Wars, and leaves all of those Ewoks behind. General Zod, played by Hollywood’s go-to bastard, Michael Shannon, attempts to overthrow planet Krypton, so Russell Crowe’s Jol-El (these names are beginning to sound like a list of America’s Most Wanted) rockets his son, Kal-El, into space. That’s pretty crappy parenting if you ask me, but what do I know?

Having crashed on Earth, he is raised by the Kent couple (try saying those two last words over ten times quickly – I bet you get in a lot of trouble.) Most children grow up keeping secrets like who ate the last cookie; at a push, some children try to keep a secret as to who their father is… I’m looking at you, Ivan Cameron. Clark Kent, however, has to keep his immense strength and super-sensory perception hidden from the world. (Don’t worry – the story doesn’t end there. That would be a crappy film, wouldn’t it?)

Zod crashes to earth, seeking for drifter-Kent, and the powers are unleashed in an almighty force. And, as I said, no horrifying red thong! High fives all around. Sure it could do with more chuckles, but this sci-fi is huge, dramatic and goosebump-inducing – exactly what Superman should be… Or should I say exactly what a future Superman franchise should be?

It sounds like an oxymoron; “dads with style”, but some papas manage to avoid the likes of socks and sandals and actually – dare I say it? – look good. My father’s probably reading this now, in his luminous yellow shirt and flashing trainers thinking what’s that dweeb on about? but I’m sorry, mate, you’re no Dad In Cool Klothing, or, as I like to call it, a D.I.C.K. Whoops. Maybe I shouldn’t use that abbreviation from now on…

Jay-Z

I think the only people on the planet unaware of his presence are Inuits and my Nan, who still refers to him as Jayz, as if it’s one word. The man clearly needs an impressive wardrobe, just so he can fit all of his cash into pockets. Having sold a whopping 40 million albums (I’m still struggling to flog a copy of a Genesis album on eBay – I don’t know how Jay did it) Jay-Z went on to become the CEO of Def Jam records from 2004. He also dabbled in the world of fashion. I say ‘dabbled’ when I actually mean ‘absolutely f***ing dominated’. He partnered with Reebok, designing their most successful shoe; helped launch a line of Louis Vuitton’s sneakers and founded his own label, Rocwear.

Get the Jay-Z Look…

Firstly, Mr Shawn Carter lives and breathes by the philosophy that you should dress your age, so if you have any clothes that make you look like a spotty, greasy teen, I suggest you burn them now. Then go on a shopping-spree; avoid jerseys like herpes, and focus on cotton t-shirts and v-neck sweaters in plain colours or timeless horizontal stripes. When the temperature drops, pair it up with a hoodie or a black leather jacket. Slick sneakers make the rap artist, and to really ensure your staples never look boring, invest in some quirky jewellery. Next step, find your Beyoncé. You’re on your own from here.

Sean Combs

Also known as Puff, Puffy, Powerpuff Girl, Sugar Puff, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy and Squiddly Diddly.

The music mogul started his career as an intern and gradually worked his way up to executive at Uptown Records while still attending Howard University. That’s given the student’s of today a bad reputation, hasn’t it? His own recording career took flight during the chaos of the East Coast-West Coast that took the lives of legends such as Tupac Shakur and The Notorious B.I.G. Having trumped the music industry, Sean took to movies… Not the hardcore gangster shoot-‘em-ups you’d expect, but the likes of the upcoming Disney adventure, The Muppets… Again! Finally, style icon is expanding his Sean John clothing line. There really is no rest for the wicked.

Get the Sean Combs Look…

Diddy’s style is all about dressing up. Not as in fancy-dress; he’d beat me to a pulp for saying that, but about fusing modern hip-hop with traditional luxury. Match a hooded sweatshirt with a suit jacket to truly capture the Puff-look. More formal looks, including crisp, clean shirts mirror his penchant for luxury.

Brad Pitt

If you were blessed with Pitt’s genetic background, you probably get away with walking the streets naked and still be high up on this list… In fact, I’d probably rank him higher. (Is that a bit creepy?) The man could have just come off of a fourteen hour flight, having picked up a few hundred adopted kids, and still manages to pull of a natural style to his rugged, macho ensembles. As if his three Academy Award nominations weren’t enough. Oh, and did you know his wife was Angelina Jolie? That was, of course, rhetorical – if you didn’t know, have you been in a coma?! (I apologise if that is the case, and hope you’re off to a speedy recovery.)

Get the Brad Pitt Look…

The first rule of Brad’s fashion is to never talk about Brad’s fashion… Unless your blogging about it, then it’s totally fine. The second rule of Brad’s fashion is to never look ‘done’. That way, you’ll ensure your look is effortlessly cool. Dress down with well-fitted long-sleeve tops and chuck on a pair of faded denim jeans. (You don’t have to chuck them on – you can place them on gently, if you want.) Top it off with a blazer and some accessories like a funky scarf or hat. You’ll exude more masculinity than Bruce Willis swimming in lager.

Just whatever you do, do not grow his Davy Jones beard. I will chase you down the high street with a razor.

David Beckham

Okay, if you were to use the term metrosexual for anything, it would either be a really randy railway system, or David Beckham. But it’s clearly working for the man, isn’t it? Sure I’ll be the first to admit that a full on dress wasn’t exactly a wise pick, Becks, but as of recent, that man has been as successful with his wardrobe as he is with bending balls. This six foot hero has had more hairstyles than I can shake a stick at… And even more goals, racking up a total of 97 in his senior career. Oh, and he along with his Spice Girls missus, his joint wealth is estimated at £125 million. I’m barely worth one pound fifty.

Get the David Beckham Look…

If you really want to get Becks’ look, you may want to move closer to a barbers just to keep up with him. But if you’re not that keen, invest in sunglasses instead, as I’m sure a pair are glued to the man’s face. And you’ll have to pair them with every accessory under the sun, including hats, belt, man-bags. But there are two things that make David up – his ability to get better looking with age (like Benjamin Button) and his distressed jeans. A slim-fit, boot cut manage to make him look suitable at any appearance. Along with a plain tee, some necklaces and you’ve got that hobo/coolest man alive look going on.

It’s that time of year when we honour our fathers; after all, all those years back when he and your mother – okay, I should stop there! You don’t need the ins and outs. Literally. He supported you throughout all those years; physically, mentally and financially, so it’s only fair that once a year, you buy him a BOGOF card, right?! There are a few steps you have to take to ensure your father has the best day. A few steps like this…

Buy a Card

You have to buy a card, because as soon as you popped out, your father (thank God for that comma) stopped liking presents. You’re limited here – you can either get him a card that consists of fart-jokes because what dad doesn’t love to see pictures of cartoon animals letting one rip? Or you can get him a card that contains a poem that says, basically this is a horrifically cheesy limerick that had no one specific person in mind, so don’t get too excited. Heck, the poem wasn’t even written by me – it was written by some specky weirdo in a sweaty office, who was paid to write how much I love you. If that doesn’t say I respect and thank you for all you’ve done for me, what does?! You may think I’m being a bit too unsentimental here, but you and I both know that as soon as we’ve left the room, you dad’s throwing that card away like used loo-roll. I think my father literally used one of my cards as toilet paper, once.

Call Him

Maybe you live far away from dad, or maybe you just had one too many last night so you have to make a call. There is however, a time frame that this conversation must abide to – a short conversation and your father will think the only reason you called was because of some unspoken annual requirement, and that you’re now off the hook for another year. If the conversation’s too long, your dad’s going to want to slam the phone down his throat for an excuse to leave. After all what man actually enjoys speaking on the phone? Just remember a story about how he once influenced your life and recite it to him – that should do the trick. Now don’t cheese it up with Celine Dion playing in the background. Just something like hey dad, remember when you beat the crap out of those bullies? Thanks for that.

Make the Day about Dad

If you can make it to see your dad, make sure to make the most of it. Wake him up nice and early so he can relax and do nothing. Make sure you give him the day off. Now this doesn’t mean telling him he can ignore the overgrown lawn today but tomorrow if he doesn’t get out the mower, he’s in trouble! If anything by postponing his chores until the next day, this will stress him out more. So do it for him. I know; you don’t want to be working, but seriously – how hard do you work the rest of the year?! And speaking of work, don’t take him out and drag him to a thousand “fun-filled” activities throughout the day as Sunday is likely his only day off from his hectic life. The plans you've made for him have just inadvertently created the busiest Sunday he's had all year.